Get to know a White person! (Warning: This is a parody. Do not try this at home!) | Abagond

jennifer-anistons

 

Warning: This is a parody. Do not try this at home!

As part of White History Month, get to know a European American! The secret is to put them at ease by talking to them the way they talk to you.

Some tips:

  1. Their English: As a courtesy, speak slowly and loudly until you know how good their English is. If their English is good, be sure compliment them:
    • “Wow, your English is perfect!”
    • “You are so articulate!”
  2. European American names: Mispronounce them! Or better yet, change them to something easier for you to say. Or just call them “dude” or “girl”. Who can remember their names and tell them apart?
  3. Ask where they are from. If they do not give a place in Europe, ask where their family is from. If they still do not tell you some place in Europe, ask where their family is really from.
  4. Show an appreciation for their rich ethnic culture: “I like…”
    • NPR,
    • Starbucks,
    • McDonald’s,
    • The History Channel,
    • The New York Times,
    • “Jersey Shore”,
    • John Grisham,
    • Miley Cyrus,
    • NASCAR,
    • “Eat, Pray, Love”,
    • Honey Boo Boo.
  5. Tip: All European Americans know each other! 
  6. Handy words and phrases:
    • “cracka” – a term of endearment.
    • “European American” – overuse it!
      • “My European American professor said…”
    • “exotic” – any White person or thing that you like. It is a compliment!
    • “trailer trash” – any White person or thing that you do not like.
      • “That’s so trailer-trash.”
      • “What kind of trailer-trash name is that?”
      • “I don’t hate all White people, just trailer trash.”
    • “cultural background” – why Whites are so trailer-trash.
    • “I’m not racist, but…” – then say something completely racist. No one will mind.
    • “Jennifer Aniston” – what every White woman looks like. She is like the Lucy Liu of White women.
  7. Handy expressions:
    • “I don’t care if you’re black, white, brown, yellow, green or purple …”
    • “You’re not like those other White people. In fact, I don’t see you as White at all.”
    • “The Holocaust was a hundred years ago. Get over it!”
  8. Tip: Do not put yourself in their shoes!
  9. How to compliment a White woman:
    • “Is that your real hair? Can I touch it?”
    • “I’ve never been with a White woman before. You’ll be my first.”
    • “Wow, you are very attractive for a White woman.”
    • “You’re so pretty. You don’t even look White!”
    • “Hey, you’re pretty! You look just like Jennifer Aniston.”
  10. Show concern for the White community by talking down to them about:
    • White divorced fathers,
    • White suicide rate,
    • White anorexia,
    • White child molesters,
    • White serial killers,
    • White school shootings,
    • White trailer parks.
  11. Bring up Hitler, the Klan, Bill O’Reilly, Don Imus, Bernie Madoff, their Neanderthal genes.
  12. Tell a racist joke about White people. They love racist jokes!
  13. Tip: All European Americans think alike.
  14. If they are offended by any of this and call you a racist, just say:
    • “You’re being oversensitive.”
    • “You’re playing the race card.”
    • “You’re racist for saying I’m racist.”
    • “But my White friend wasn’t offended.”
    • “You just don’t want to hear the truth.”
    • “My best friend is White.”

See also:

Get to know a White person! | Abagond.

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One thought on “Get to know a White person! (Warning: This is a parody. Do not try this at home!) | Abagond”

  1. Oh my buddha…so heart this piece of yours!
    Why AM I the only person raving about your parody?!
    I’m posting this site to Twitter now so that other POC can know how to response to ignorant white people!

    Thank you and please please please continue fighting the good fight for us POC!

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